Why I Joined Index:MH
I don’t know what to tell you. “I’m fat, weak and small.” Is that what people want to hear?
That’s what everyone seemed to be telling me; something along the lines of “Go fix your problems” (what problems?) and “Lose weight or you will die, get diabetes or fail at everything.” What a life, I thought. How am I ever going to compare to movie stars, other people’s expectations, and my own highest ideals?
Ideals
It followed me everywhere I went, this idea of promise and good luck, “fortune favours the bold”– or this type of man and shape – as if that was the expected image. The ideals around me were built on comparison and contrast, and I was the unlucky middleman. Everyone seemed to have an opinion on my body, and that was treated as normal: be like us.
My shape became a punching bag even though I was never particularly large. Walking daily, working out often, and trying not to overeat apparently was “not enough”, a phrase I had heard far too often.
It helps, doesn’t it, when your thoughts are already running wild and all you’re hearing are dumb remarks. Dumb. Pretending those problems could fix themselves felt like the only normal mental route. But it was a bad plan.
Along this journey, my weight was around 13kg above my usual weight, although that was not especially unusual for me as my set point was not far below it. While studying psychology at the Lebanese American University near home, theories and studies around self-concept, social hierarchies, social comparison and behaviour helped me understand how much we learn about ourselves from our surroundings, and how closely mind and body are connected in health, wellbeing and happiness. It got me thinking: What if I change my environment and learn more about myself through that? Maybe I might feel lighter as a result.
That was difficult. A lack of belonging was not new. Being an American living in Lebanon without much guidance was hard enough, and branching out towards more familiar voices was not going to be easy. I decided to learn more about myself, and that was when I came across the volunteer role at Index:MH™.
The Plan
I was always a writer. That’s who I am, to a fault. But when I messaged the founder of Index:MH, Brea Cannady, the words just flowed. It was my passion that led me there.
Being disruptive is sometimes the only way forward, and by that point I was starting to understand the impact of a beauty culture that measures us all, even after I had lost more weight and still was not “enough” for other people’s expectations.
This was my plan: join a team that understood these body issues and their root causes, grow with them, and have a voice. Most of all, Index:MH’s values struck a balance between truth and free will, with a focus on choice, unrealistic standards, mental health, and accountability.
Joining the team gave me a place to turn what I had experienced into something useful.
